I didnt realize I would be this sad......forgive me for sorting my emotions where the whole world can see. I probably wont publish this, I just need to get it off my chest so I can sleep tonight. I was 10 weeks today, last tues they suspected something was wrong and sent me for blood work and an ultrasound. All week long I knew something wasn't right, I didn't feel right, but we tried to stay positive. And today I miscarried. And I am so sad, I cant stop crying. When I found out we were pregnant, we instantly added another member to our family, finding it names, where it would sleep, and who would change its diapers. Is this normal?? The kids new something wasn't right and were acting up, I just kept praying that they would be good, so I could get threw what turned out to be 3 hours of HELL. And I repeat hell. London peeked her sweet little head in my room as I was crawling into bed and she came running in crying, curled up next to me and cried with me for quite a while. She just kept saying I love you mOm. I just kept on thinking how could I tell her.... I feel so empty inside, so so sad. I feel like something is now missing from my life and no one understands. I know that isn't true. I have had so much love and support from so many this week as I tried not to over react, so many of you wrapped your arms around me and prayed for me. For that I am soo grateful, I have such amazing FRIENDS and FAMILY!!!! May I ask for forgiveness in advance.....I know me, and I have already done it, I may go into hidding for awhile, my phone may go unanswered intentionally, but not personally......I am just afraid of letting anyone see me when I am down. Poor Brad has to live with me. I thought I would be stronger, and all week I tried to prepare but was not very successful. So to all who have experienced this...... my heart feels your sorrow and loss. I am sorry I wasn't there for you more emotionally when it was you. I pray that I will be able to process this and somehow find peace and happiness in knowing that Heavenly Father knows me and loves me and that he will send us another health baby.....soon.
4 comments:
I'm so sorry Elli. I've never had to go through something like this before so I don't know what it feels like. I know you have wonderful family and friends that love you. I do know that you are a strong lady, you have been through a lot and I know you will be able to heal from this also. We are thinking of you, if you need to talk please call.
Oh Elli, I am crying for you. I know just how you feel... I lost Truman at 20 weeks, and it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. There is nothing anyone can say or do to make you feel better, but I promise in time you wont hurt so much. Just know that whatever you are feeling is okay. You don't need to appologize to anyone, even yourself, for what you feel. I had some pretty bad stuff going through my head and I finally realized that feeling guilty for what I was feeling was wrong, I just had to work through it. You are in my prayers.
I've been thinking about you, I'm very sad to hear your news. If you ever want to talk or just eat something with a lot of calories just come over!
El, I'm so sorry.... I'm a terrible blogger knowing I need to update mine but had been thinking of you so much lately. Maybe this is why. I'm so sorry! I know there are no words to comfort like you need. If I was there I'd hold you and let you cry. I love you so much my friend.
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